Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Surviving Christmas

      Parents survival guide to Christmas:

  • Locate the tape that you bought last year, it will be right next to the tape you bought the previous year, which will be in an area that you felt was a safe place to put it.
  • Stop looking for the tape, and start looking for the @#$%@#%&*  car keys, that you left in the bathroom, because you just barely made it.
  • Avoid Martha Stewart holiday wrap designer wrapping paper, HUGE waste of money. You won't spend ten dollars on a pound of good coffee, but you will on wrapping paper?, go to the dollar store, it rips the same.
  • Stock up on the gamut of batteries. The AAA's, AA's, A's, the B's, C's, and the D's oh, and the 9 volt's. Word to the wise: Be sure to break into delicately open the RC car present and pull out the battery pack and pre-charge. Because we were not smart enough prepared for the sugar induced Christmas melt down.
  • Don't involve any thought processes for any child over the age of 6. They are not paying attention, nor will they until like January 2ndish-3rdish or the day that they have to get up for school.
  • For mothers of sons: Special rule..Don't hope expect your son to embrace hygiene at all during vacations. They are not interested. Unlike us girls, their upkeep never takes priority. Be patient grasshopper, you will get your day in the sun, the morning of the first day back to school.
  • Just accept that on Christmas eve, unless you are some kinda God organized person, you will not get the kinda sleep you could get, like on a Wednesday in the month of March. No sleep, because your hyped up too. Worrying whether the stocking laying to the left will have less effect on your kid's reaction. It happens.
  • The morning of Christmas, be sure that you have a direct access to coffee, because that is the only thing that will save your day difference between a good day and a bad day. Remember the battery rule.
  • Stock up on the meds that us "older folks" just might need. Have a headache... Excedrin, Motrin, Aleve, Advil, Tylenol, whatever works the best for you. Tummy off...grab Pepto, Tums, Gaviscon, Prilosec, Zantac(my fav), Pepcid, Rolaids, Maalox, Mylanta and that is not all of them I am sure. About to cry ? over all the money that sits nestled under the tree...Kleenex, or my personal favorite Puffs Plus it's softer.
  • Charge, and or refer to battery rule in respect to cameras. These images could be used as coercion at a later date.
  • Anticipate that the bottom will can fall out of your plans at any time. Be ready to switch gears at any moment. In the case of my family, who is going to get the stomach flu? and where is the bucket? and did we buy ginger ale?
  • Sleep late as possible, which leads me into nap whenever necessary. There is no shame in kicking people out to sleep. Because sleeping is fun.
  • Valium~ if your not depressed now, you will be when the bills start coming in from your shopping haze. Tis the season to be oblivious, this can lead to above tip.
  • Christmas should be fun, best described by the Christmas songs that play on the radio incessantly during the time leading up to the "Day". There is a very good reason why Christmas comes just once a year, otherwise the homicide rate would be a little higher.
  • And the best for last, never , never, never, ASSEMBLE TOYS ON CHRISTMAS. This should have been done earlier. You are overtired, stressed, broke and waiting for great aunt Ida to arrive.
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.~ Lily Tomlin


Anonymous said...

HAHA! Thanks for the laugh!

The Brownings said...

I agree with RED. Thanks for the laugh!

Tricia said...

Love it! My personal favorite Christmas rule: Always buy the loudest, most obnoxious toys for children.

Oh, wait - that's because I don't HAVE any and it's a spectacular way to terrorize my friends.

alejandro guzman said...

Enjoyed the very practical advice, hehe who am I kidding!


cath said...

I've lived and survived every one of these guidelines...the fun now is watching the kids go through it all with the grandkids...
surviving is something you just can't explain to them, they have to experience it :D
thanks for the laughs!
happy holidays!

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